| And there you'll be free if you truly wish to be |
[16 Feb 2005|09:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Maroon 5 - Pure Imagination |
] |
Today. . There was something that made today horrible, but I can't remember what it was. All I remember is that it happened early this morning, sometime in the first three periods. . But, since I can't remember what it was, I guess it doesn't matter much.
I'm making a new background. Film. Pictures that I've taken. And hopefully a faster load time than the other one. . I want lyrics to put on it, but I can't think of the right ones. I havent heard the right song yet. . I will soon, though.
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| I, timebomb. |
[15 Feb 2005|11:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Blink 182 - Anthem |
] |
When I read a book, I put myself into it. Fully. That's why I fall in love with them. That's how I can read on a crowded and noisy bus. That's how I escape everything.
So when something happens in the book to make the main character feel down, it effects me too. Especially if it is a feeling that I struggle with often, the feeling that no one wants you around. Rich is going through that now. I feel it, too. . Even though today was a good day, I can't help but think that something bad is going to happen. Its because I've been reading of shark attacks, food poisoning, fights within a close group of people, and a risk of having everything found out and your world crumble around you.
I get too sucked in. .
Maybe its just because I'm tired. Maybe I should go to sleep. I think I'll do that. .
Which I'm sure all of you wanted to know.
I think I'm going to start posting all private entries, because I'm sure you all are tired of my moaning. Or at least mostly private, or a very selective friends cut. . I think I'm going to start doing that.
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| I've got a strong urge to fly |
[15 Feb 2005|05:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Pink Floyd - Nobody home |
] |
The Beach is a wonderful book. I don't think I've ever read a book like this. . Its just so, so weird. Wonderfully weird.
I have a habit of falling in love with books. . And then when they end it breaks my heart, but I know I have to let them go. Unless there is a sequel, and usually they live on in my mind for some time after I put them down. Especially if they're really weird, like this book. Its about this traveler who is staying at a hostel in Thailand and the guy in the room next to him commits suicide. Before doing that, he hears him rambling on about a beach, and then finds a map to the beach on his door the next day. Him and a French couple decide to go to the beach, which is supposed to be an Eden. . And the whole book is written as if Richard (the main character) is looking back upon it, and telling the story. . And its just so weird. . but beautiful.
I'm gonna go read more.
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| Take no prisoners in this knocked-down, drug-out war |
[14 Feb 2005|09:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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happy yet sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Weezer - Knock-down, drag-out |
] |
Yay!
Three new books, one day!
DA Vinci Code
The Beach
Great Gatsby (which, if I didn't have to, I wouldn't have bought it)
This means I can stop reading that awful book that I found last night. . The last Left Behind book. . The only reason I'm even reading it is because (1) I don't have anything else to read and (2) I want to know how it ends because I've read the rest of the series. It is so. . boring, though. So incredibly boring.
Went to Borders with Mike and I spent almost $60. . books shouldn't be that expensive. But, I really only spent $20, because my mom gave me $10 and Alison owes me for her copy of the Great Gatsby + Beauty's punishment (which is like $30 together).
Stupid books.
Feeding the addiction.
I'd rather be addicted to something else. . Even that isn't as expensive.
Oh, and we're all going to die on Wednesday afternoon. . Because rocks are going to fall from the sky, and everyone dies. . And then the sponge might come, I don't know yet. . He hasn't made reservations.
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| Look around and see at times it feels like no one really cares |
[14 Feb 2005|06:45pm] |
So my day was surprisingly good. I was setting myself up for a day of watching people carry around shit and make out in the halls when I had absolutely nothing. But then I get to first period (on time!) and Alison had bought me a unicorn!! Yay! And sent me two of the flowers from the carnation thing the school was doing. I had to listen to Jackie bitch about something that I wasn't going to talk about all day (because I know that when people keep talking about it, that's what makes it worse. I tried to stop others from saying anything about it for the rest of the day, too).
The rest of the day was pretty good. I got the tubeing from first period that I wanted, and I'm pretty sure I passed my math test. Watched a movie in English and ate my poptarts in lunch. Saavedra gave out candy. I had to scramble for a ride at the end of the day, but I found Jimmy after class and she gave me a ride home. .
We had to stop at Publix so she could buy flowers for her boy, and so I got Ben & Jerry's ice cream, two kinds. I got something new this time, the peanut butter one, and it's pretty good. And of course I got my regular chocolate brownie one. .
And then we got to my house and there was a box out front. So I get to read the Da Vinci Code now *squee* and I still get to go to the book store! The Great Gatsby book that we ended up ordering was a max-notes thing (which I didn't realize until I looked at the order form), and I need the book by Wednesday so I get to go shopping tonight to get it. And I'm going to buy The Beach (the book, not the movie), so that in a few days when I finish reading Da Vinci Code, I'll have something else to feed my addiction.
But, after I started reading it, I fell asleep. . And had a dream that Ali, Mike, and I went to Publix, like we so often do. And we bought weird things. And I stole a silver coin. . Then there was something about the edge of a basketball court right next to a natural wall (like a cliff or something), in the city. I can't remember what that part was about. . It was a peaceful place, I remember that. . And I think there was some kind of feeling of Fraze and Sean there. . that part was odd. . It felt like somewhere where I would like to go, but it came out of my sub-consous so I can't. *sad*
Wow. I think I wrote that in like five minuets. I just woke up, too. . So I'm not sure that its going to be understandable at all.
Oh well, I don't care. .
So, pretty much to recap: Today was good. Yay good days! Yay Da Vinci Code! Yay Unicorn! Yay carnations! Yay condom that I gave to Max because I don't need anymore! Yay lollypop! Yay ice cream! Yay good math test! Yay sleep! Yay stealing coins! Yay for odd basketball courts!
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| There's no life I know to compare with pure imagination |
[14 Feb 2005|12:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Jimmy Eat World - Work |
] |
I'm rambling.
I should really go to sleep, but I can't be bothered.
I'd like to see Jimmy eat the world. That would be interesting to watch. . I can picture it now, someone named Jimmy (who I picture with blond hair, kind of tall, scruffy looking, wearing a green shirt) taking a bite out of a globe. Bite after bite, until he has swallowed all of it. Then he smiles his wicked grin at you. Then you kiss it off his face, and much fun is had by all in the land. . And then the sponge comes.
If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. . Anything you want to, do it. . Want to change the world? There's nothing to it.
There needs to be a techno version of that song. . One that looks like my background when you close your eyes. . Because, when you're listening to techno, if you close your eyes you can see the colours swirling. Or maybe that's just me.
I think I'm going to bed now.
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| *spams even more* |
[13 Feb 2005|04:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Blink 182 - Reckless Abandon |
] |
Ugh.
I feel so gross.
I haven't done anything since Friday. Meaning all I have done is watch movies, make a background, write, eat, sleep, and read. That's all I have done. I haven't changed, I haven't showered, I've surprisingly been taking my pills (because I usually forget, even on a good weekend). Actually, this has been a good weekend. It's been a restful one. .
I've been watching so many movies. . Watched a few on the Lifetime Movie channel yesterday, the end of The Beach (and now I really want to read that book and I'm having fantasies of Leo in the beach garb and tan and wet and *sigh*), Blue Crush (another beach movie. Beach movies are hot), and What Dreams May Come (such a beautiful movie. . it made me cry). . I wish Ali could have brought over Mike's new movie, because I would have liked to watch that, too.
But I've just been a bum.
Yay for being a bum!
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| I am in love with The Streets |
[13 Feb 2005|01:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Streets - Dry your eyes |
] |
Seriously.
I heard that one song, years ago, 'Lets Push Things Forward', that I really liked and so I remembered it and added them to my LaunchCast station. And everything I hear from them is so beautiful. The lyrics are so thick, not wispy like other artists. They actually feel like he's talking about something that really happened to him.
( Dry Your Eyes )
( Weak Becomes Heros )
I need to buy their CDs. Or download them (really, get someone to download them for me because my burner doesn't work and the computer I download music on has been fucked in the ass a few times too many). . Unless someone already has their CDs?
I doubt it.
I always end up liking bands that no one else likes, or that no one else likes enough to do anything about it.
Postal Service, Death Cab for Cutie, Tosca, no one else liked those bands and made fun of me because I liked them. Idiots. I don't make fun of your music, don't make fun of mine.
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[13 Feb 2005|02:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Placebo - Teenage Angst |
] |
New background.
Pure imagination.
Lollypop and swirls of colour.
Depressed.
Nauseous.
Bored.
Headache.
Going to bed, but I'm not tired.
I'll read.
Since I was born I've started to decay.
Now nothing ever, ever goes my way.
I need to escape.
I need to run away.
I could.
The alarm is off, I could just slip out my window.
But I can't.
I would never make it.
I give up.
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| Tell them that I'm a liquid |
[12 Feb 2005|09:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Les Savy Fav - Hello Halo, Goodbye Glands |
] |
I'm so bored, it hurts.
Or maybe that's from when I stubbed my toe this morning.
Oh well, it doesn't matter either way. I'm just going to do memes to ( pass the time )
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[12 Feb 2005|12:23am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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techno |
] |
*sigh*
Why do I feel like every time I talk to him it just gets worse?
Apparently he doesn't understand why I was pissed. I have my reasons, I tried to explain them to him, but I guess it didn't work.
He has this way of talking to you that just makes you feel so inferior. I fucking hate that.
I'm going to sleep, and I'm not dealing with this anymore. It's over, let us never speak of it again.
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| Scaramouche, scaramouche will you do the fandango? |
[11 Feb 2005|10:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody |
] |
Today. .
Today sucked. Most of it did, at least.
Then I got home and this calm washed over me. I know that this doesn't really mean anything and that it will all blow over.
It doesn't really matter. I don't really care about it anymore, I'm done caring about it, about anyone.
So. . why did my day suck?
Well, Cait pretty much outlined it in her journal, and I've written enough private and specific friends cut entries today that I don't feel like going over it again. Lets just say that I feel like I'm being lied to by people I trust.
And then I got an F in my Algebra class, on my progress report.
I actually cried.
Cried, at school. In the middle of the lunch room. I have never cried at school, and I try to make it a point never to cry in front of people.
I swear, the only thing that kept me going all day was the little piece of glass tubing that I stole from first period. We were bending glass (with ooh fire) and I stole an extra piece. . its all pretty and smooth, and I kept fingering it in my pocket all day (not as bad as it sounds). That and the fact that I have a better piece of glass tubing waiting for me in one of the drawers when I get back on Monday. This piece is longer and is bent, but I couldn't take it today because it was still hot when the bell rang and I couldn't slip it in my pocket without burning myself. .
So, yeah, today sucked.
And I'm grounded, so I can't go and forget everything at Alison's this weekend. .
But, I feel strangely calm. Its a very nice feeling. .
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[11 Feb 2005|02:59pm] |
|
WORST DAY EVER.
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| Give me just one inch I swear that's all I need |
[11 Feb 2005|06:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
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cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Something Corporate - Space |
] |
Today is going to be one of those days, I can just feel it now.
Progress reports. The lure of the weekend that I might not be able to enjoy because of progress reports. The loss of something important to me.
I think I might be ok, tho. C in Oliver, no idea for Stanford, hopefully good for Good because I've turned in all my homework, probably A or B in Browning, hopefully B or C in Shirmohammid, and probably B in Saavedra.
So, unless my calculations are horribly wrong, I should be ok.
But I still feel like today is going to be one of those days.
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| 1984 |
[10 Feb 2005|11:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Police - So lonely |
] |
Doublethink.
Holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.
Reading is my escape.
I've also noticed that when I get lost in a book for hours, something happens to my eyes. They are so used to reading the print that they don't want to look at anything else, and everything but the print of the book seems fuzzy and not real. I am seeing in soft focus. I think I like this most of all, because I can believe that the world is not as sharp and jagged as I think it to be.
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[10 Feb 2005|03:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
I'm running away.
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| My mood ring exploded yesterday. My emotions are going crazy. |
[10 Feb 2005|06:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
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annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Relient K - Mood Ring |
] |
Thursday.
Its only Thursday.
Damn.
I wished and wished and wished last night that I would wake up and it would be Friday, because I don't want to go through another day of this shit.
I'm tired.
I want to stay home and sleep until tomorrow, preferably tomorrow afternoon.
Weekend, you can't come soon enough!
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| I'm sinking |
[09 Feb 2005|10:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Feeder - High |
] |
My mind is at war with itself.
On one hand, I want to go with my emotions, but on the other hand I want to protect my emotions and go with logic.
Emotions usually win this battle, but I think this might be a time for logic to win.
I confuse myself.
I probably confuse everyone around me, too.
I want one thing and then I stop to really think and I want something completely different.
I'm stupid.
I want it to be the weekend, nothing ever matters on the weekend.
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